


Right In Front

by matan4il



Series: Fuck Me Yourself, You Coward [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 911CrackWeek2020, 911crackweek, Crack, Crack Relationships, M/M, POV Inanimate Object, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:01:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27742660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matan4il/pseuds/matan4il
Summary: Just because it's a salad doesn't mean that it doesn't get to have opinions about humans, in particular two certain hot-for-each-other firefighters or their Captain, okay?Written for crack week 2020, day 5Non human outsider POVand for day 3crack shipLook, the life of a salad is not an easy one, okay? For starters (no pun intended), it's not fun being prepared by you humans.(while this is not a direct continuation ofFuck Me Yourself, You Coward, meaning you can read each one as a separate piece, it is set in the same 'verse where Buck and Eddie's first confrontation in the gym ended up with their sexual tension being much more... expressed)
Relationships: Bobby Nash/salad (unrequited crush), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Fuck Me Yourself, You Coward [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2029378
Comments: 35
Kudos: 83





	Right In Front

**Author's Note:**

  * For [adamngoodbatch (sibbed)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sibbed/gifts).



> Dedicated to [Sibbed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sibbed/works) because without you, querida, I don't know if I would have had the guts or the inspiration to write any of my crack fics. Thank you, for being a great friend and a muse! xoxox
> 
> Thank you so much to the darling [Toughpaperround](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToughPaperRound/works) for the wonderful beta! 
> 
> Don't hesitate to come talk to me on [my Tumblr](matan4il.tumblr.com/), ask questions, give feedback or see more of my content!

Look, the life of a salad is not an easy one, okay? For starters (no pun intended), it's not fun being prepared by you humans. A lot of you don't know how to wash us properly and let's not even get into the slicing and dicing when it's done wrong. Also, let me just point out to all of you recoiling from us, claiming we're boring? Ingredients and seasoning are key. And neither one of those is on us, so don't come complaining. Another thing is that our end is never a respectable one. Oh, pasta and chocolate and ice cream make people lick their fingers, trying to get a bit more of that goodness, but never a salad, nope. Bits and pieces of us are always left on people's plates, to be discarded later in the trash.

The worst thing though is that we see and hear a lot more than people think. It's as if just because we're inanimate, we don't count. So all of you allow yourself to say and do the most heinous things in our presence.

Which is why today I want to talk to you about an exceptional human being, whose example you should all follow. Fire Captain Robert "Bobby" Nash.

Oh, Bobby. What can I say about him? It must be his training as a firefighter that has taught him to use water so well, because the way that he can wash a tomato would make any salad blush. He also knows how to handle a knife, wielding it with confidence and precision. No cucumber can resist him. And the dressings he crafts himself for his salads! The herbs that he adds, always just the right mixture of flavors!

All of this care and dedication he invests in every salad he makes explains, in my opinion, why I also got to witness him being mindful of what I myself was inadvertently exposed to.

He was preparing me in the kitchen of his fire station on a sunny afternoon. I was relishing the care and attention of his skilled hands, the rays of light filtering in and making the drops of water sparkle. It was a good day to be a salad.

But then this magnificent utopia was broken. Because, if you've been paying attention, you'd remember, most human beings suck. And this particular pair who came into the station's attic were apparently doing that in the most literal of ways. 

I couldn't tell you their names, but 'dumbass1' and 'dumbass2' would fit very accurately. These two men, don't ask me why, I'm just a salad, but they seemed to think they could get away with having sex in the middle of their workplace. They probably assumed they would be alone here, hiding from other people who were out and about on the ground floor. There certainly would have been no one around the attic if it weren't for the dreamy Captain Nash. Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber most likely believed he was downstairs as well, when they headed for the second floor and went straight to the TV and couches area.

Bobby had already prepared most of the ingredients for my dressing, but he was looking for the black pepper in one of the lower kitchen cabinets when the bozos made their appearance. They rushed to the couches so quickly, they managed to miss their Captain entirely. 

Now, as a salad, I normally have little opinion on the mating rituals of humans, but this pair I'm convinced was being noisier than the average. And might I say, it was not a good look, since it was coming across as all hot, heavy and desperate for each other. By the scandalized look on his face and paralyzed stance of his body, I would say that Captain Nash shared my distaste for these loud and lewd noises of moaning and groaning.

Nothing like the quiet and elegant intimacy that Bobby and I share.

Though the poor man was undoubtedly fazed by their shenanigans, he eventually snapped out of it and proved that his priorities lay in the right place, when he called out at the two men, in obvious upset, "Right in front of my salad?" 

A complete, though brief silence followed, which was a testament to the power of Bobby Nash, that he managed to get that out of those two noisy guys. And that when it was broken, it was by him when he added, "Again!?"

Two heads popped up from the couches area, held high enough for me to be able to see them. The brunet one was scrambling to somehow both comb his hair down, which looked like fingers were run through it repeatedly, and button up his dress shirt. "Captain! What are you doing here? We thought you were at a conference today!"

The blond one was disheveled as well and his lips were all puffy and glistening, but he had his own question to pose. "Again? What do you mean by that?"

The brunet slammed the back of his hand against his partner's chest and replied, "Back at MacDonald's, he was eating a salad then, too."

"Ohhhhh!" The blond had at least a smidge of decency and now looked semi-apologetic and squirmish.

"The conference was cancelled, I thought I'd have myself a salad and a moment of quiet before I joined everyone. Obviously that's out of the question now. Can I at least ask you to promise me that this will never happen again?"

The two firefighters answered simultaneously, but it turned awkward immediately, because while the brunet went with, "Sure!" the blond responded with a prolonged, "Well..."

"Buck?" Bobby asked, raising his eyebrows in astonishment.

"I mean no disrespect, Captain," he emphasized the title, "but come on. You've seen Eddie in a uniform. And not to brag, but... you've seen me in one. So you know, it's going to happen again. And isn't it better that we're not lying to you about it?"

"No! Lie to me. If you two are going to go at it like a couple of horny teenagers and it seems I can't stop you, then at least go about it behind my back! And behind your colleagues' backs! Nobody needs to get any frisky ideas from you!"

The blond one with the silly name (and I'm a salad, I know a thing or two about silly names) raised his hands in pseudo surrender while the brunet vigorously nodded his head.

"And under no circumstances, I want to make this perfectly clear, I don't even care if the world happened to be ending, in no possible scenario will you ever do that again, ever, anywhere near my salad. Is that understood?"

"Loud and clear."

"Aye aye, Cap."

And that is how I came to realize I was in love with Captain Bobby Nash.


End file.
